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TOY m4w
Well here goes ....
No I can't deny anything between us- I do admit I have that irrevocable attraction, every waking moment and most sleeping ones, I think of you. As if a Shakespearian tragedy, I know I can't have you like I really really want you. The first time I met you I felt it and I confirmed it much later when you were in my arms the moment (yes that precise moment) you let yourself go. I will never forget or regret that moment. It almost destroyed us, or could it be that it almost completed us?
What am I suppose to do? I know in my mind we can't do what is necessary for us.
Giving both of our situations - are we cowards for not letting go of it and being strong enough to face it? My fear is now that I have acted, taken that step and told you how I really feel ... you will run. Literally and figuratively. You have told me you can't, that it is not right (as if we didn't know). What I am really afraid of is that you don't WANT it or feel it. I am afraid that I will now lose you completely and that is something that rips my heart out. If it makes you feel any better, I don't know what to do with you either, but I do know that I want you anyway (pun intended).
Back when you were so unhappy, I encouraged you to be the person that you are trying so hard to be now, for the greater good. Learn to love, I said, but I really just wanted you, as you, and never expected that I could face the consequence of my own vain advice. I have noticed that you no longer express yourself so openly and freely. I hope that is a defensive move and I understand, but I miss your confidence and intimate thoughts. They let me know that you are OK, or not.... I also know, given our personalities, that if you are not thinking of me, you are probably thinking of someone else who is not yours. Perhaps someone less obvious and therefore safer. It is my own living hell that I imagine you enjoying someone else or even just allowing them to enjoy you....something I want as mine .. It breaks my heart. All the insecurity goes away when you reach out to me unexpectedly to tell me you are thinking about me or oddly, even that you were naughty without me! I know I can't have you, but I want to be your confidant and help carry your burden. It takes away the sting for the time until I can see you again.
All I can do for now is take it day by day, second by second and enjoy what I can get and value that with great appreciation. I am trying to allow things occur on a more natural basis and let the situation unfold at will just as they happen, but it is hard. Our friendship will never die even if disaster strikes either one of us. I see the good beauty inside you and hope you still do in me.... maybe it was fate, maybe it wasn't-I'm flipping the coin and I'm going with fate. I go with my gut feeling and my gut is telling me to be there for you regardless, whatever the circumstances.
It is a fucked up world out there but somehow - we both have survived so far and our paths may have crossed for a reason....whatever that may be.
(I surely could have used your comforting arms lately....just a stressful time)
So, what do we do now ....? Just start by telling me you are thinking about me.....
TOY
My apologies to the original author if you recognize your letter in this. Plagiarism, however, is not my worst sin. I have changed enough to make it mine but appreciate your head start. As they say, the names were changed......